Soooo funny how long (lol) my daily blogging project lasted… and I knew I was going to fail! Since this is a blog about quitting it’s very fitting.
There is a line in the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert which goes something like „I’ve always wanted to be the shy, quiet girl, but I’m the chatty, loud one and I have to except that.“ Something along those lines.
And this line resonated with me so much, because (since being a teen) I’ve always wanted to be THAT person, who:
- keeps a daily diary
- is quiet
- is calm and relaxed
- has a daily habit of yoga/meditation/exercise
- doesn’t eat much chocolate/sweets
- eats an apple a day
- moisturises her body daily (you know, aging and stuff)
I’m not THAT kinda person. At all.
Why am I always trying and failing so hard? Why am I beating myself up for not achieving to be someone else? Why can’t I let go?
I think this „problem“ has two roots. The one is anchored deep down in my childhood. Being brought up lovingly, yet with determination that the only girl „turns out perfect“ I felt a lot of pressure to achieve amazing things. At school, in my hobbies, in friendships, and later on at work and in relationships. I am an eternal optimiser, an unhealthy perfectionist.
The other root is probably from a lack of confidence and self-worth. If I felt totally content and okay in myself, I wouldn’t feel the need to improve. Nothing wrong with improving, but please in the right areas! Why do I try to be a person I am not?
I have to accept that I will always start and quit projects. That’s me! I have to accept that I don’t really like yoga and running is much more my thang. I have to accept that my kinda balance is leading an active life AND eating chocolate. Loads of it. (My current favourite is orange almond dark chocolate.) I have to accept that mediation sounds really cool and hip and relaxed, but that I just cannot do it. Instead I should hone the skills and character traits I like and be even more THIS person, who:
- drinks black tea every day, preferably Earl Grey
- has some sort of sugar every day
- relies solely on her bike to get from A to B
- loves walking and running
- gets up quite early to get stuff stuff done
- loves her boyfriend, friends and family
- likes herself despite not being THAT person.
The hardest task, if you ask me…
(Thanks Franzi for taking this lovely picture of me! Check her out, she’s a professional storyteller: www.erzaehlimpuls.de)
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