Despite spending time with lovely people, I had a crappy day.
I’m feeling emotionally fragile today. Ah, no! Stop. I feel emotionally fragile most of the time, but most of the time I barely notice it. Today I noticed it, because it was extremely forceful.
I’m currently eating my feelings (chocolate) and I have cried my fair share of tears. Lucky for me that I can actually pin-point where my sad feelings are coming from! Good for me, right? Not good at all in this case, because there’s not much I can do about it.
Basically I’m feeling very lonely. Yep! I said it! On the happy-clappy Internet, which is flooded with „look at my perfect life“ and „look at my perfect body“ etc. I am feeling lonely, which is a feeling so deep and sad that even my best friends and parents cannot help me with. And usually my parents always know how to make me feel better.
For a few years now, friends around me moved in with their boyfriends, got pregnant, had children, got married. Friends continue to do so this year, of course. And I’m happy for them. Very. And I’m jealous. Because all these milestones mean one thing that I’m desperate (I said desperate! Woohoo! On the Internet!) to have: a partner. A partner for sharing my life with. A partner for laughing. A partner for crying. A partner for doing fun things with. A partner for doing hard things with. A partner which helps me. A partner who needs my help. A partner for arguing. A partner for making up. A partner for making out. A partner who „gets me“. A partner I know well. A partner who wants me for me. A partner who doesn’t leave when it gets complicated. Just a freaking partner. That is all.
A blogger who I actually really like tweeted today something like: „I’ve been alone for 11 days, would you like to see a video on my feelings?“ And I thought to myself „I’ve been alone for almost 4 years, do you want to see a < movie trilogy, directors cut and the last of the three movies is cut into two > on my feelings?“ Because living alone is freaking hard, to say the least. This tweet triggered a major melt-down.
I try very hard to breathe these feelings away. To go to my forest as often as I can, to surround myself with friendly people. I do stuff. I go out. I meet new people. I exercise not only to stay in shape, but mostly to stay sane. Exercise is the cheapest happy pill you can get. I try very hard to not let these feelings overwhelm me, to focus on the good stuff, like my jewellery. I am feeling joy for others, but every time someone is very happy in the aforementioned department, I feel like a tiny knife gets twisted in my heart.
A friend of mine once developed The Holy Trinity Of Work-Home-Partnership. If one of these parameters is missing, the whole life is lopsided, unbalanced and hard. Unthinkable, if two or more are missing… which I have experienced for many years.
I’m glad that I’m not feeling these sad feelings all the time. I have a good life and I know it. A simple life, but definitely a good one. Friends who support me, a family, an occupation I love, a lovely home and many great memories to re-live and which I cherish. But some days, and today is such a day, I feel extremely lonely.
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